Six months ago I was absolutely insane. I thought I was able to manage my life and lost sight of my powerlessness over alcohol and other substances. I had been sober from March of 2011 until August of 2013. I did what I like to refer to as working the steps in reverse. The relapse of spirit and mind, before the substance is used.
Recovery in Reverse
I lost gratitude in my life and forgot that everything that had been built back up in my life had done so only by the grace of God. I stopped praying. I started to skip regular meetings I used to attend, including my home group. I began isolating from friends and skirting out on commitments. I began rationalizing practicing some of the principles I had been learning in some affairs but not others. I stopped sharing the message of recovery that had been so freely given to me. Meditation was non existent. Taking a daily inventory was out of the question. Then I would have to look at my behaviors and be accountable. I started creating new resentments and adding to my amends list instead of repairing damage. I was in no way, shape or form being humble and open-minded. I was closed off from the sunlight of the spirit. I started having secrets from people. That is what makes me the sickest. I fully took my will back and stopped attempting to reach out to my Higher Power. I thought I knew what was best. Besides, look at how great everything is going.
Depression and guilt slid in. Shame and remorse filled my soul … I no longer believed that a Power Greater than myself could help me. I can manage. I can control it. I can have a few and stop anytime I want to. In the end I was consumed in self hatred and loathing. I couldn’t stand myself. I drank and used substances until March of 2015. That’s the least of my troubles, the actual consumption. It’s the thread that runs through me, woven with shame, guilt, and remorse. Fear ran me. Fear of being alone, not being good enough, not being a good mom, financial insecurity, and so much more. When I’m fearful if I try to turn it inward and function it turns me into a beast full of pride, self pity and anger. This, over time, was no longer able to be numbed by me and substances. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I didn’t want to live but I didn’t want to die.
I got on my knees and, through tears, begged my God for help and love. He gave it to me. Unconditionally. Now each day I thank my God for letting me go forward and live. For filling me up with love and gratitude. For making me available to help another person. For taking me out of self and into service to others. I will no longer settle for mediocre in my life. God wants me to be a happy, decent, and useful human being. I am 100% with him on this journey. I have faith that everything will always work out just as it is supposed to and I’m here for a greater purpose. That plan, I am not privileged to know. However I know I can be okay no matter what, matching calamity with serenity. I’m so grateful today.