Hopeless. Lost. Misery. Pain.
These are the feelings I was living in. I woke up every morning, disappointed that I did not die in my sleep. Every day I wished that a car would hit me or I would have a heart attack, or something would happen so that I no longer had to suffer on this earth. I woke up every day feeling like this. I did even attempt suicide a few times which, I thank God today, were unsuccessful. Living in this suffering, to me, was the worst consequence of my addiction/alcoholism.
Consequences Don’t Make You an Addict
I was a high functioning alcoholic/addict. I did not have really any physical consequences, at first, other than family and friends expressing concern and no longer wanting to party with me, since I continued to black out and make a fool of myself; the usual, dancing on tables and taking my clothes off-at restaurants not even necessarily bars!, repeating myself over and over and over, slurring my words, getting kicked out of bars, falling down all over the place, not being able to stand, etc. Plus I always had to have my drugs too, which put anyone that was with me at risk of legal consequences. If I could not find my drugs and my fix, I would throw, literally, an adult temper tantrum. I did not lose any cars, or get DUIs (though I drove drunk almost daily towards the end), or lose any jobs, I was never homeless.
I got caught in this vicious cycle I could not break on my own.
So I decided to go to treatment just to get my friends and family off my back. I was shocked when the outpatient program did in fact declare me as an alcoholic. I made it a year my first time in recovery, and decided that I could use cocaine successfully since I was “only an alcoholic”. I quickly, within WEEKS, became just as miserable as before and spiraled down even quicker than before. I felt the true progressiveness of this disease very quickly. I could not even put together 24 hours, even though at this point I wanted to. I would go to a meeting, then get high, go to a meeting, then get high. I got caught in this vicious cycle I could not break on my own.
I put myself in rehab only a few short months into this relapse, and I met a boy and, you know how the story goes, relapsed days out of the two week long rehab. This time on heroin. It only took 2 weeks this time. I was car jacked, robbed, gang raped, and my boyfriend at the time was nearly beaten to death, in a drug deal gone wrong (we were desperate to get drugs and our dealer wasn’t calling back quick enough so we called out to some shady looking people in one of the worst neighborhoods in Detroit). It was a miracle that neither of us was murdered that night, as they were threatening.
This is what it took for me to have the willingness to go to long term treatment, as so many had been suggesting before. I fought a lot of the way during treatment, and it was not easy being broken down completely, but I stayed and did what I was told, EVERY suggestion, not just the ones I was willing to do here and there, but followed EVERY suggestion. Even when it wasn’t obvious to me how it would help.
Prayer was very uncomfortable for me and I did not really understand what my higher power was. To this day I do not know exactly what my HP sounds like or looks like, but I can feel it and I know it is there, and for simplicity reasons I call it God. I thoroughly worked the steps with my sponsor and lived with her for a year. I did not leave myself an out this time, which meant deleting and blocking all numbers of drug dealers or past drinking “buddies” that were not supportive of my recovery. Now I work with my own sponsees and I am blessed to see the amazing growth and life recovery gives to so many others. I now have a passion for life I never even knew existed, especially not in me, and I actually LOVE life and doing things sober! I am living proud to be a dopeless hope fiend. 🙂